Let’s face it. Stare that ol’ truth right down the gun barrel - Libraries are a dying institution… *gasp*… There, I’ve said. It’s out there now. PDF's, data-mining, PCs and THE INTERNET together with a whole host of electronic gizmos are launching a full-frontal assault on libraries In time, those paradoxically intimidating and comforting bastions of wisdom will be only repositories of out-dated knowledge. Quirky museums at best. Neighbourhood children will brush past layers of cobwebs and damp-eaten doors, nervously shaking their torches in search of the world's most fearsome ghost: The Librarian!. And, like the full set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, libraries will take their place in grandma’s ramblings, amongst Foofy (who was always her favourite dog) and that asinine bitch, Mrs. Nelson, who lived next door to her for 23 years. Will this be a tragic development? Maybe and maybe not. Far be it from me to wax lyrical about the pros and cons of libraries. Instead, in this premature eulogy, let us remember one undisputed fact – libraries, above all else, were a place of silence. Pin-dropping, oppressive, constipated silence.
And today, I fly a great, big FUCK YOU flag in the face of silence, by presenting *trumpets, fanfare etc*… the burr coffee grinder. There are a great many items of coffeelicious paraphernalia that are worth buying, loving and using on a daily basis (including the motherfucking moka), but the burr grinder is the great liberator for a budding barista. It is to DIY coffee what Ross was to Friends – often underappreciated, never glorified, and basically the glue that held that massively dysfunctional group together. But a burr grinder is way way cooler than Ross – obviously. Before we go any further, let us get one thing crystal fucking clear. A blade grinder and a burr grinder are two different things. To help distinguish them - essentially what one does with a blade grinder is to check it’s plugged out at the wall, carefully lift it off the counter, let it clumsily fall to the ground and then proceed to smash it continually until nothing but dust remains.
Why? You whisper in terror as you sweep up the remnants of your newly purchased blade grinder. Well, it’s quite simple, you cretin. You see, each style of coffee – moka, espresso, French press, Turkish, chemex (heaven forbid you resort to that), aeropress and even the bastard offspring of commercial mercenaries, the pod coffee – has its own appropriate grind size. Each method of coffee wizardry is vastly improved by an accurate (i.e. the right fucking size) and consistent (they’re all the right fucking size) grind. A blade grinder has two grind options: 1) complete anarchy (each little grind is a different size, ranging from large pebble to quark) and 2) fuck moderation (each bean is obliterated into the size of fairy dust). Neither of these settings is appropriate. Therefore, keep sweeping up those crushed pieces of your blade grinder and join me in the next paragraph for the sexiness of burr grinders.
Welcome. Welcome to civilisation. Step out of your boat, discard your salt-soaked britches and take a deep whiff of that freshly ground coffee. Mmmm mmmm mmm!!! But step wisely young coffee-padawan - here you will encounter that challenge that plagues every civilisation. How to spend your money on nice things. Fortunately for you, I’m not even going to touch on that. It’s your fucking money – use your own fucking brain. There are cheap and cheerful burr grinders, ostentatious, overpriced, NASA-approved burr grinders, manual vintage (read hipster*), manual practical (read camper) and everything in between. What is common to all of them is the variable grind settings. And it’ll be up to you, cretin-padawan, to find out which grind setting on your sexy, new grinder works for your various coffee methods. It may take a few goes before you work it out, but hey, you’ll be laughing all the way to the bank… the caffeine bank, that is.
*see Idris Elba give a demonstration of a blind person using a manual vintage grinder and then having a romp through the forest with Mumford and Sons providing background music.
*see Idris Elba give a demonstration of a blind person using a manual vintage grinder and then having a romp through the forest with Mumford and Sons providing background music.
So go on! Grind in the morning, grind at night. And always grind proudly, knowing that with each ear-shattering grind, a small piece of a library, somewhere out there is dying. Not with a bang, not with a whimper, but with a Silence Please sign.