Aftershave. It is to shaving what digestifs are to fine dining; a contemplative and rounding conclusion that leaves one feeling soothed. Digestifs and aftershaves are both conniving little manipulators of the peak-end phenomenon. Therefore it is prudent to ensure that there is always a delicious digestif tucked away in your cupboard and likewise, that an awesome aftershave furnishes your shaving arsenal. As an aspirant chef, if you overcook the pasta (al dente is a non-fucking-negotiable, by the way), over-salt the sauce and under-flambé whatever it is you flambé, a sophisticated digestif will save your ass. And the same goes for shaving – the memory of a mediocre shave can easily be smothered in the fine, gentlemanly aroma of a pimping bay rum aftershave. If it was good enough for strapping sailors hundreds of years ago, it’s good enough for you.
And here’s the best fucking news of the day – you can make your own bay rum aftershave in the comfort of your own home…. After going out to source the ingredients, of course and then coming back to the comfort of your own home. Indeed, rolling up those sleeves and going Martha Stewart on your aftershave is a respectable means to while away a couple of hours on the weekend. It will give you a sense of accomplishment, an excellent product and it will also give you a large amount of left-over rum and I’ll be dammed if that’s not a good enough reason for a dozen or so Cuba Libres to follow your aftershave-making.
But before you dive headfirst into an excellent, rum-fuelled evening, stick with me. Martha Stewart, insider trading scandals aside, knew a thing or two about the satisfaction of making something yourself. And you know exactly what I’m talking about. Remember that shitty little thing you made? Maybe it was a chair, or a pencil holder or even the world’s wonkiest mug. Objectively it wasn’t even worthy as bonfire kindling. If someone else gave it to you, you’d likely kick them square in the genitals for the obvious insult. But you, poor misguided, egocentric creature, think it’s actually not too bad. Yes, you muse, I actually did a pretty good job….. Actually a really good job….. I like this mug…. The more I look at it, the more I realise it’s going to be my favourite mug. And BOOM! You never drink from anything else again…. Until the mug breaks a week later, most likely due to shoddy workmanship. Does this self-worship make you an asshole? Not necessarily*. It turns out, due to a devilish trifecta - The Ikea Effect, the Not Invented Here Syndrome and The Toothbrush Theory – we’re all a little besotted with our own work.
*you may be an asshole for any number of unrelated reasons, so don’t celebrate just yet.
*you may be an asshole for any number of unrelated reasons, so don’t celebrate just yet.
This vomit-inducing, egocentric bias can sometimes make us severely moronic. But equally, it can be used to great effect to enhance some aspects of our lives. And this blog post is where we put some of that hubris to good fucking use. I’m going to tell you how to make aftershave. It will be decent. Other people may enjoy it. But you, after getting your hands dirty, contemplating ingredient quantities, adding your own little touches and then waiting impatiently for a few weeks will think it’s the finest thing your humble nostrils have ever had the chance to inhale. You’re fucking welcome.
Yo Ho Ho aftershave recipe:
What you will need:
How to make it
Yo Ho Ho aftershave recipe:
What you will need:
- Small bottle of bay leaf extract. DO NOT GET Laurus nobilis (this is the leaf used in cooking and you don’t want that shit on your face). DO GET Pimenta racemosa – or West Indian Bay Leaf. It is harder to find (online may be the only way) and is pricey, but it goes a long way. It has a syrupy, spicy and woody aroma and this is the base ingredient of your aftershave, so get it fucking right.
- Paper coffee filters (don’t take it as a reason to drink drip coffee – there is never a reason for this)
- Elastic band (stealing one from someone’s ponytail [e.g. a biker] will lend extra craftiness to your end product)
- Mason jar that seals like a champ
- Glass bottles that serve as aftershave containers (empty and cleaned tobacco bottles work wonders. But clean ‘em good - that shit on your recently shaved face will sting like nothing on earth)
- Cloves, allspice, fresh orange zest, black peppercorns, cinnamon sticks, hand-rolling tobacco
- 40ml dark rum – fucking A!
- 120 ml vodka - fucking A... again!
How to make it
- Add all the booze into the mason jar. Don’t drink it.
- Smash all the spices into teency tiny pieces – the smaller the pieces, the greater the goodness that will be extracted. Add them into the boozy mason jar. The actual amounts of spice and tobacco to use is up to you! Make like a haggard old witch and cackle as you add ‘em all in. Start with teaspoonfulls. If you really like a particular spice, add an extra teaspoon for good measure.
- Add ten drops of bay extract. It can be super duper potent, so rather start with an itty bitty bit and add more later, if so desired.
- Give it all a good swirl, seal the jar, put it into a dark cupboard for three weeks.
- Contemplate life and hurriedly go through three or four bottles of tabasco by adding it to all food items …. Mmm, spicy rice crispies!
- Open mason jar after three weeks. Take a whiff of that!
- Strain the aged goodness three or four times through the paper coffee filters, securing them with the biker's ponytail elastic.
- Decant into desired aftershave bottles.
- Rock life in general.
And that’s how it’s done. Keep some for yourself, share it with a friend, whatever - it's your creation, fucktard. And forget about making shitty mugs – you’re better than that now – you’re a fucking bay rum-toting sailor man!