But alas, there’s no getting out of it. These times are unavoidable. They’re unbearable and there’s a pretty solid chance of them continuing right into your senescence.
The solution? you ask as you start testing out the stability of your roof’s crossbeams and Googling “noose rope for beginners, not cosplay, >60kg”.... Well, there isn’t one. Life’s suckworthiness is not something you can avoid.
Make doubly sure that when you do get a chance for the good stuff that life has to offer, that you get the best. Take it in, roll around in it and wring it between your hands – thick, pungent and overripe.
And one of the best places to start? A world‑class espresso.
So please, the next time you're trapped with Uncle Jeremy and you're about to bite down on your cyanide-filled molar, take a deep breath, mutter a deeply satisfying insult about Jemmy-Jem's inane fascination with steam-trains and then, with a smile pasted across your ugly mug, order a double espresso.
Carpe, noctem, fucktard.