Yes. I have shamelessly plagiarised WC Fields – plagiarised and butchered his masterful words. And there will be a whole post dedicated to him at a later juncture. So perhaps he would have forgiven me. Especially if I had whipped up an over-sized dollop of shaving cream for his shaving pleasure and/or plied him with fine whisky until he was snoring blissfully. So, you slur as you wave a nigh empty bottle of whisky at me, How can you put shaving cream in the same bracket as whisky? Insolent drunkard! Sit down and shut up.
In the long long ago, in the before time, before the crassly convenient advent of canned shaving cream, there was shaving soap. A seemingly innocuous lump. Yes, it tickled your nose with a wonderful scent. But that’s where its charisma ended. Much like the ugly duckling of fabled glory, it was almost consigned to the pile of things labelled “those items for which we giveth not a shit.” And what folly that would have been! Because, much like the fugly duckling, the lump of shaving soap is destined for greater things if given just a little bit of time.
Indeed, at the end of a well-wetted shaving brush and with a little bit of elbow grease, shaving soap metamorphoses into thick, slick, creamy dollops of absolute magic. Dollops that can be slathered into your unworthy face in preparation for one of the great shaves of your life. And best of all? You brought this bad boy into existence! From a dry puck of questionable inspiration, you brought forth a swan. Fucking A. And how does the lather compare with canned, goopy abominations? Well, that’s like comparing a rusty cup of leaded petrol to a dram of Islay single malt. Why even stoop to make the comparison? Get the fuck out of town. Then buy some shaving soap and come the fuck back and read my how-to guide.
Shaving soap for absolute beginners.... who enjoy profanity:
1. Choose a shaving soap. Pick one that gets decent reviews and don’t balk at the price. Swan birthing doesn’t come cheap. But don’t fret yourself too much – it’ll last a while.
2. Grasp thy already wetted shaving brush (yes, we’ll get to brushes in a few posts’ time. Calm the fuck down) and give it a firm squeeze. Wink sensuously while performing the firm squeeze.
3. Press the bristles against the soap for about 10 seconds. Then start swirling it – madly, passionately - until it starts to froth. Keep going for another 15 seconds or so. The brush is now loaded. Ca-fucking-Ching!
4. Start smushing the brush inside an oversized mug or soup bowl. Add a couple of drops of water every now and then.
5. After about a minute you should have a pile of slick, soft and mouth-watering shaving cream.
6. Rub that shit all over your beard. All up in there.
7. Shave smugly.
8. Mirror-five yourself.
1. Choose a shaving soap. Pick one that gets decent reviews and don’t balk at the price. Swan birthing doesn’t come cheap. But don’t fret yourself too much – it’ll last a while.
2. Grasp thy already wetted shaving brush (yes, we’ll get to brushes in a few posts’ time. Calm the fuck down) and give it a firm squeeze. Wink sensuously while performing the firm squeeze.
3. Press the bristles against the soap for about 10 seconds. Then start swirling it – madly, passionately - until it starts to froth. Keep going for another 15 seconds or so. The brush is now loaded. Ca-fucking-Ching!
4. Start smushing the brush inside an oversized mug or soup bowl. Add a couple of drops of water every now and then.
5. After about a minute you should have a pile of slick, soft and mouth-watering shaving cream.
6. Rub that shit all over your beard. All up in there.
7. Shave smugly.
8. Mirror-five yourself.
Dude, you've just taken your first steps to shaving like a gentleman. I never thought you had it in you.