Let’s not mince words. The Moka pot waves the standard for the House of Effective Simplicity. It waves it like a fucking Tasmanian Devil. It requires only 3 ingredients (two, technically and one of the elements) – ground coffee, water and heat. Gather the 3 ingredients in your twee picnic basket and you’re A for Away. That cup of stove-top espressoey deliciousness awaits. Simple? Yes.
But I would be remiss in not making a comparison here. Saying that you only need 3 ingredients to make delicious Moka would be the same as telling you that you only need a sense of humour, desperate self-loathing and a looming future of alcoholism/drug addiction to be a stand-up comic. Because I know (and now you know) your pesky subconscious added the word *great* somewhere in there. In order to be a *great* stand-up comic – you need some fucking x-factor, brother. And not the 21 grams of x-factor that leaves your body when you die, or the one that is in peril throughout your mortal existence, until inevitably, it is consigned to eternal damnation. I’m talking about the best kind of x-factor.
And *great* Moka needs ground coffee, water, heat and precision. The opposite of x-factor. So make up your mind – it’s either Moka maker or alcoholic comedian.
Good – you opted for the former. Imagine it this way – there is a horde of vindictive little gremlins that want nothing more than to fuck up your coffee. One gremlin wants the beans ground too finely so that you end up with a gritty brew. One gremlin wants the cup to be packed too tightly so that the pressure gets too high – screwing up your precious extraction. One gremlin wants you to use cold water so that your Moka is bitter. Etcetera etcetera and fucking etcetera.
So, here is my method for keeping all those gremlin fucks at bay:
1. Freshly roasted coffee. Don’t be a dick by buying coffee from a supermarket where for all you know, the coffee was roasted before Richard Pryor was funny.
2. Freshly ground coffee. If you don’t have a grinder…… well, why the fuck not? Get one. It will change your life. Keep your grind fairly coarse – aim for slightly finer than French press, but you’ll find your optimum quickly enough. Fill the basket to the top. Don’t tamp it.
3. Pre-boil the water. Cold water has to heat up on the stove and it’ll make drinking coffee the equivalent of sucking on Robocop's ahem... gun-barrel for cab-fare. Fill the base all the way up to just below the valve with the hot water. Some bases have a line – it’s there for a reason, dumbass.
4. Keep the stove at low heat. If you’re a pleb like me and are on an electric stove. Good luck – this part is fucking brain surgery and will drive you to insanity. As a starting point, keep it on 2 and switch it off as soon as the coffee starts coming through. If you’re on a gas stove (you dick), then keep the flame small and start reducing as soon as the coffee comes through.
5. Do not over-extract. If you do, then this whole post has been in vain. If you see foamy bubbles erupting from the spout – congratulations, dumbass, you have achieved over-extraction. It’s a lot like vomiting from drinking too much (consult alcoholic comedian above) – you only know where the line is once you’ve crossed it. Pull that fucker off the heat before you over-extract.
6. Don't lose hope! You'll get it eventually. Unless you don't.
Good – you opted for the former. Imagine it this way – there is a horde of vindictive little gremlins that want nothing more than to fuck up your coffee. One gremlin wants the beans ground too finely so that you end up with a gritty brew. One gremlin wants the cup to be packed too tightly so that the pressure gets too high – screwing up your precious extraction. One gremlin wants you to use cold water so that your Moka is bitter. Etcetera etcetera and fucking etcetera.
So, here is my method for keeping all those gremlin fucks at bay:
1. Freshly roasted coffee. Don’t be a dick by buying coffee from a supermarket where for all you know, the coffee was roasted before Richard Pryor was funny.
2. Freshly ground coffee. If you don’t have a grinder…… well, why the fuck not? Get one. It will change your life. Keep your grind fairly coarse – aim for slightly finer than French press, but you’ll find your optimum quickly enough. Fill the basket to the top. Don’t tamp it.
3. Pre-boil the water. Cold water has to heat up on the stove and it’ll make drinking coffee the equivalent of sucking on Robocop's ahem... gun-barrel for cab-fare. Fill the base all the way up to just below the valve with the hot water. Some bases have a line – it’s there for a reason, dumbass.
4. Keep the stove at low heat. If you’re a pleb like me and are on an electric stove. Good luck – this part is fucking brain surgery and will drive you to insanity. As a starting point, keep it on 2 and switch it off as soon as the coffee starts coming through. If you’re on a gas stove (you dick), then keep the flame small and start reducing as soon as the coffee comes through.
5. Do not over-extract. If you do, then this whole post has been in vain. If you see foamy bubbles erupting from the spout – congratulations, dumbass, you have achieved over-extraction. It’s a lot like vomiting from drinking too much (consult alcoholic comedian above) – you only know where the line is once you’ve crossed it. Pull that fucker off the heat before you over-extract.
6. Don't lose hope! You'll get it eventually. Unless you don't.
How do you know you’ve nailed it?
1. There should be a smidgen of crema. The standard Moka doesn’t produce a lot, but it will give you some. If you’re a real prick, you can cheat and get a fancy one that makes crema.
2. When the coffee comes out the spout, it should be slow and steady without angry bubbles – if you get this effect, you are too sexy for your shirt – good fucking job!
3. Your coffee should have no metallic taste whatsoever. Rich, acidic, earthy – whatever your beans want you to know, but no metal anywhere and no bitterness.
Happy fucking trails.
1. There should be a smidgen of crema. The standard Moka doesn’t produce a lot, but it will give you some. If you’re a real prick, you can cheat and get a fancy one that makes crema.
2. When the coffee comes out the spout, it should be slow and steady without angry bubbles – if you get this effect, you are too sexy for your shirt – good fucking job!
3. Your coffee should have no metallic taste whatsoever. Rich, acidic, earthy – whatever your beans want you to know, but no metal anywhere and no bitterness.
Happy fucking trails.